This story originally appeared on Medium.com under the Mindwafers publication
Through a bit of old-school investigative journalism mixed with nights of dumpster foraging and some help from Ukrainian hackers, Mindwafers was able to uncover the text of Donald Trump’s much talked about immigrant values test.
Trump unveiled his plan this week to assign a “test” to incoming immigrants in order to determine their loyalty to the US. We as a news organization love the idea because, as we all know, tests are never wrong and are the best way to gauge ability. After all, people never cheat on tests.
Regardless of how you feel about the plan, check out the test questions below. Have a try at and figure out if you should be banned from the US. It’ll be a fun and educational adventure!
United States National Test of Human Excellence Measurement (USNTHEM)
Directions: Choose the correct answer to the following 10 questions. If you have a question, please refrain until the test is completed. If you need to use the restroom, please inform security detail. You will be led into a side room and affixed with a small GPS collar.
Question 1: When reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, you should:
a. Sit quietly
b. Lip sync the words
c. Place your hand on your heart
d. Detonate a dirty bomb within 50 feet of a busy town center
Question 2: The greatest president of all-time was:
a. George W. Bush
b. Ronald Reagan
c. Donald Trump
d. Nothing is greater than Allah
Question 3: It is December 20th and you see a friend on the street. You wish him/her a:
a. Merry Christmas
b. Quirky Kwanzaa
c. Happy Holidays
d. Radical Ramadan
Question 4: Where is the best place to get breaking news?
a. Anything but the mainstream media
c. Fox News (except for anything involving that Megyn Kelly broad)
d. Inspire magazine
Question 5: True or false: The US is better than your hell-hole country:
Question 6: You want to live in the US because:
a. I want to live in the greatest country in the world
b. I want to breathe the same air as Donald Trump
c. I want to be able to see first-run episodes of The Bachelor
d. I want to be the one to take down the Great Satan
Question 7: Why did you leave your native country?
a. Lack of job opportunities due to US “winning” the economy
b. Country is run by Communists and Socialists
c. Ugly men/women compared to US
d. I was sent on a mission
Question 8: What do you think are the 2 most important fundamental principles of the United States?
a. Freedom and winning
b. Freedom and free speech (with exceptions)
c. Freedom and freedom
d. Foreign wars and destruction of Muslims
Question 9: I would describe myself as:
a. A great looking woman
b. A hard working man
c. An obedient child
d. A soldier for Allah
Question 10: Choose one: Would you consider yourself:
How did you do? For us, this seems to be a full-proof plan to rid ourselves of the terrorist influence taking over our culture. There is no possible way to trick this test.
We applaud you Future President Trump!